Why I Am Hurting After this Election

Before President-Elect Trump, her future seemed brighter.

Like many Americans, I've been hurting big time since the election results came in. First I was in shock- my country wouldn't do this (elect a man who was endorsed by the KKK, bragged about sexually assulting women, etc., etc., etc.) Then I was sad, so incredibly sad.

In the last two days, I've had several facebook conversations with Trump voters- some that I know and some I do not- because I sincerely wanted to understand what they were thinking. Maybe if I understood, I thought, my suffering would be less.  

Anger is a secondary emotion. Hurt almost always lies underneath the anger. Trump insulted veterans, women, Muslims, immigrants, people of color, people of size, and disabled people. He didn't offer apologies. He instigated hate at his rallies. His call to "Make America Great Again" in and of itself insulted minorities. What time period was he referring to? American history has not been kind to anyone except white men. The "good old days" were not great for women or minorities.   

Each vote for Trump FEELS like a validation of all those hateful comments. And that hurts. Big time. I'm not hurt by him, I had already written him off as a narcissist incapable of empathy. Rather, I am hurt that 50% of the people in this already great country validated the hate he peddled. The people who "held their noses" or overlooked his hate and voted for him anyway. 

Today I had lunch with two sweet friends after yoga. We made small talk and one asked how I was doing. I said I wasn't doing well and that I was really hurt by this election. The talk turned to how people were rioting and wasn't that terrible? Why can't the people who voted for Hillary accept it and move on?

It is terrible. It's terrible because hate cannot be conquered by hate. It's terrible because the Trump people will now just write off all protestors as "crazy liberals" who are violent and hypocritical and sore losers. It's terrible because it's not ok to destroy property and hurt people because you are angry. But I said that I understood their anger. I don't condone it but I understand it. People are HURTING. People are scared. People feel they are not seen. People feel they do not matter. 

One friend said this is why she didn't talk politics. I could tell I was making her uncomfortable. The topic of conversation was changed to her child now in middle school and yadayadayada. I couldn't hear a word. I felt unheard. I felt my hurt was being dismissed. I couldn't eat my lunch. I started to sob. I said "how are we going to heal as a country if we can't even have these discussions with friends?" I said I didn't want to have friends that only talked about things on a superficial level and who didn't try to understand why I was hurting. They said they weren't taking the elections personally. 

And BING BING BING- there was the source of my pain. I was taking it personally. 

I thought we were making steady progress and that my daughter would not have to endure the blatant racism my husband had endured. I am a mama bear and I am hurt beyond words that my beautiful and long-awaited child is not valued in our society as much as their white children. Literally. The fees for her adoption were less because she was part black. They are lowest for full black children. The waiting time for black children is significantly shorter. And STILL black baby boys are being shipped overseas because they aren't all being adopted here. Why are some people pro-baby when it comes to unborn children but not pro-baby for the ones that are already born? How can someone be staunchly anti-abortion but then not adopt? Where do they think those babies go? Why are the unborn babies seen and valued when babies (and people) of color aren't? What about the suffering right in front of our eyes? How can a vote for a serial cheater (of women and small businesses) and a documented liar who now says he is pro-life in order to get elected be the vote of the conservative Christians? What is Christian about his statements and his actions? Who really wants to claim his "values" as their own?

One of my lunch friends was not familiar with my husband's recent press coverage. I told her of his role in the Dallas Police shootings and his comments to the media. How he has experienced racism his whole life. How he condems violence but understands the fear of police because he experiences it. He lives it. I told her how he has had patients coming into the hospital literally dying on a stretcher who said they didn't want a black man to be their doctor. (And he was the only trauma surgeon there!) I cannot fathom having so much hate for a group of people that you are willing to DIE rather than have one SAVE YOUR LIFE. And can you imagine how that must feel to be so despised? Just because of your skin pigment? And a lot of white people that I know honestly believe that racism doesn't really exist anymore because they don't see it or experience it. I will tell you I myself was naive about a lot of it until I witnessed it. And I had a very reasonable fear that a white supremacist was going to come to our house and shoot us because my husband spoke out. 

Our country has a long and complicated history with "all men were created equal." For many, many years, "all men" meant white men and not people of color or women. So, my fellow Americans, do you REALLY believe that ALL MEN (AND WOMEN) ARE CREATED EQUAL? And if we truly believe that, why do black babies cost less? They were created the same way (physically and spiritually.)

Thank you for reading along this far. I am grateful that you are trying to hear me. What I ask now, is for you to be still. Trump does not appear to be capable of empathy. Are you? Can you put yourself in the "other's" (pun intended) shoes? 

How would you FEEL if your precious son was killed serving his country? Then your ultimate sacrifice was belittled by the man running for president? And that man was validated by being elected president? (Trump is now going to be commander-in-chief. How are people of color, women, other religions, etc currently serving in the military going to feel about giving their lives for the country that elected him and ignored them? Why would minorities join the military now after he (and our country) insulted them?)

How would you FEEL if your daughter was sexually assaulted? Then a man who boasts about sexual assault was validated by being elected president?  

How would you FEEL if you were unseen, unheard, and unvalidated? 

Tonight I told a black friend that my husband wasn't as upset by this election as I was. We realized it was because he has felt marginalized by this country his whole life. But for me, this election was a slap in the face. Because I believed things were getting better. I believed the future was brighter for my precious, priceless, miracle daughter. And I'm grieving that the America I believed in said with their votes that her future may now not be as bright as their white childrens' future. For me, it's personal. My black friend told me that she was proud to be an American but that her America wasn't proud of her. It broke my heart. Because to many Americans, that is their truth. And I don't want that to be the truth for my daughter. 

As I typed this, she ran into our kitchen in her Elsa pajama top and Wonder Woman underwear full of giggles and joy and love and light. "Mama!!! Put that down and come with me! We are having a tickle fight. Do you want to tickle me?" And my heart breaks because I see her innocence and I know it will soon be shattered by the hateful messages that were just validated. I feel the injustice of this election. I am hurt. I grieve. Trump does not deserve to be her president. 

Reflections on Becoming Unexpected Activists (Or Our Life went Crazy Pants)

 Photo Source

Here's what I learned when my husband opened his mouth, cried on international TV, and our life went crazy pants:

1. You really NEVER know what is coming next in life. Good or bad. Control is an illusion.  
2. Pack a basic black dress you can wear twice OR pack a second dress. (See number 1.) You just never know what is coming next. Like, that time we were asked to meet the President the very next day and I only had packed one dress- that I was already wearing that night. On T.V.
3. Be present on the journey. Whatever you are experiencing will likely end soon, so hold on tight and enjoy the ride. (Or throw your arms in the air and scream like hell.) Maybe take notes and take pictures. But be sure to FEEL the wind in your hair and your stomach dropping on the downhill. It's a challenge to be present- I'm a work in progress on this one. But I'm committed to the practice and I've gotten somewhat better through the years.
4. Don't read the comments. (I did not do well with this one, I admit.) It amazes me how people watch the same video yet receive messages that are polar opposites. It's a bit scary, actually. But as Brené Brown says, the bystanders' opinions don't matter. The only opinions that matter are the ones in the arena. Frankly, I think when people automatically assume the worst of someone, it reflects more on the judger than the judgee. (I'm pretty sure I made those words up. And I'm going to keep them in here anyway.)
5. Don't be afraid to DARE GREATLY. Brian and I read Brené Brown's book, Daring Greatly as our own little book club. Brian feels it was life-changing. (And therefore it's life-changing for me too, as my life changed/changes when his does.) Brian only moved people at that press conference because he was courageous enough to be vulnerable. He showed emotion and people FELT that. Vulnerability leads to connection. (If only he had shown emotion the first 14 years we were together...but hey, that leads me to the next point.)
6. Live for the now and believe in the future. Breathe, believe, receive. GREAT things are coming your way. (And excuse me now- I'm going to get a bit spiritual and use the G word) God's plans for you are SO MUCH BIGGER than you can possibly imagine. He will use your pain for good. He will take a man who hadn't cried for 35 years, break him open, and then have him cry on international TV. He took a man who very rarely spoke about race with anyone, who was incredibly private, who turned down press interviews in the past and gave him the courage to Be the Change. I'm telling you- if a year-and-a-half ago you would have told me my husband was going to cry (just cry!) I would have laughed IN YOUR FACE. I used to tell him that I could die and he still probably wouldn't cry.   

Here are a few links from some of my favorite interviews from that time:

Dallas Trauma Surgeon Reflects on Irony of Treating Wounded Police Officers
With Ari Shapiro on NPR All Things Considered, July 15, 2016  (5 min 40 sec)

A History of White Delusion
Nicolas Kristof, The New York Times, July 14, 2016

Parkland Doctor's Candid Words Resonated with Black Professionals
Maria Halkias, The Dallas Morning News, July 15th, 2016

Surgeon Who Tried to Save Dallas Cops
BBC World Service, August 4, 2016 (50 min.)

You Only Have to Bloom.

I found this quote today and wrote it in my art journal (along with a little doodle). 

Something inside me was pushing to post it on here too. 

So, who else besides me needed to hear this message today?

Transformation doesn't ask that you stop being you. 

It demands that you find a way back to the authenticity and strength

that's already inside of you. 

You only have to bloom.

-Cheryl Strayed

Accidental Activists- Part 2

On Tuesday, I posted Accidental Activists- Part 1. Thank you, dear Readers, for your blog comments, Facebook comments and shares, and private messages. Most of all, thank you for your support for Brian and me on this roller coaster journey. 

Before I get to part 2, I want you all to know that I have B's permission to share all of this. In fact, he is one of my proofreaders. We both believe God has a hand in all of this and we (B and I) are just the instruments. (To show you how much all this affected him, I'll tell you a secret. He could not verbally articulate a belief in God or a greater power prior to all of this happening.) We feel B's role in these events is bigger than us and our "small" problems. Without seeking it, he was given an incredible platform and a chance to give a voice to the voiceless. 

Now, here we go with part 2: 

Monday, July 11th, 2016

9:47 am- I received two texts from Brian (he was at work): 

Can you please call me? And then a minute or so later,

I am reaching out. I need help.

I was just leaving the grocery store but called him back immediately. We talked about how he was feeling and what he was thinking. He mentioned a press conference was scheduled for that afternoon at 1:00pm CST. He was asked to attend. We discussed the possibility of him not doing it because he was feeling very emotional. I told him I thought he had a unique perspective on the Dallas police ambush that no one else in the world had, but that I was also afraid he might "lose it." I wasn't used to him being emotional or him asking me for help. This was all new territory for us. At the end of our call, I encouraged him to try to rest at work, if possible, and to meditate and focus on his breaths.

Here is an abbreviated exchange of the texts we sent to each other after our phone conversation.

B: I will speak from the heart. I will not lose it.

Me: Even if you do lose it and the world comes crumbling down, I will stand by you.

B: Thank you. I'm heading over now. [to the press conference]

Me: Let me know how it goes. Remember, God put you there [at the hospital on the night of the shooting] for a reason. 

B: [Walking into the press conference.] CNN is here.

Neither of us had ANY clue that the press conference was going to be televised live nationally on CNN, MSNBC, or FOX News. And by the time he sent that last text, I was on my way to the gym (and had not set the DVR.) I was on the elliptical machine but hopped off when I saw him on the TV. I held up my phone Say Anything-style, and recorded his close captioned statements. I tapped the guy next to me who was working out on another elliptical machine. He had to pull out an earphone to hear me. "Hey! That's my husband!" Then I proceeded to wave to all the other people in the cardio room and point at the TV screens with one hand (while still holding up my phone and recording with the other hand). "That's my husband!" I'll bet no one heard my excited yell given they all were wearing earphones, so I'm sure that made me appear somewhat unstable. But I was (and still am) such a proud wife. I'm proud that he courageously spoke his truth and expressed his complex feelings regarding this tragic situation. I know him better than anyone else on this earth, so I know just how difficult it was for him to speak out. I can count on one hand the number of times I have seen him get choked up. B very rarely talks about racial issues with others, he is private (people have said he's an enigma) and he does NOT desire to be in the limelight. He didn't know what he was going to say that day, but he told me he felt his mouth open and the words just came spilling out. This was so out of his comfort zone, I'm telling you all now- this was nothing short of a miracle that we all witnessed televised live on national TV.

My sister texted me that she was watching with her kids and they were "glued to the TV." Apparently, they were as excited to see Uncle Brian on TV as I was. My sister's 6-year-old said it was cool that Uncle Brian was now famous but that it was still very sad. Meanwhile, I was trying to read the closed captioning from two different stations- FOX news was playing on a wall-mounted TV and MSNBC was playing on the elliptical machine I was now only standing on. Sadly, I missed the shout out when he said I was helping him get through this tragedy. But, I'm still grateful he said it!  

Brian's text to me after the press conference said it all:
Made my decision out of love, not fear.

After that press conference, he received numerous print, radio, and TV interview requests. Everyone wanted to talk to him. People came out of the woodwork (in a good way!) and were texting and calling and emailing and Facebook posting that they saw B on TV. I continued with normalcy- picking up our daughter from summer camp and taking her to gymnastics class- but things started to feel surreal. While still at gymnastics, Brian texted that Don Lemon wanted B on his CNN show that night. I got a last minute babysitter (thanks Jennifer!) so I could be there to support him, and we headed to a studio downtown.  

Getting ready for the live interview via satellite

Brian got emotional for the second time (in one day!) on national television.

Click below to see segments of the CNN Don Lemon interview.
Dallas Trauma Surgeon: This has to stop 
Surgeon describes treating Dallas officer Part 1
Surgeon describes treating Dallas officer Part 2

When we got home Brian casually mentioned he had more media interviews scheduled early the next morning and one was with Gayle King from CBS. Gayle King, Oprah's BFF! As you all know, to say I am a fan of Oprah is a ginormous understatement. I (not so casually) asked him to please tell Gayle that I am Oprah's biggest supporter. Then we collapsed into bed, wondering just where this roller coaster was headed. 

***

Stay posted for more of our extraordinary journey including: NYC and the CNN Town Hall, DC and my conversation with the POTUS, and also- are Gayle and Oprah coming for dinner?  

***

Did Brian's emotional statements impact you in a positive way? Do you feel "the miracle" involved in all of this now that you have some insight from "behind the scenes?" Please let me know your thoughts in the comment section below.   

A Woman to Admire: Kristen Roedner

Dear Reader, I'm so excited for you to meet Kristen Roedner. Can't you just feel the sunshine she radiates from her being?

Kristen is one of the most LIVE OUT LOUD women I know. We met in Boston, circa 2002ish, through our sorority alumnae group. Delta Delta Delta, y'all!

Kristen hosts "Spread Sparkle" meetings at her home. It kills me that I live too far away to attend. She's been on me to start my own chapter.  I'll keep you posted if I do.

As I mentioned in a previous post, she drives a freakin' pink flying pig.

And there's a rainbow painted on the hood. Of course.

For the past two years, Beni and I spent the last week of summer break with her and her incredible daughter, Rosa Jane. The notes Kristen taped around her house for RJ made my heart melt. And made me excited to do the same once Beni can read.

Kristen's home is filled with art, art supplies, and inspiration.  I took the below photos last August. Two glittering reindeers and a flying pig Christmas tree are on display year round. Because they make her happy.

(Side note: I've never met anyone with more colored pencils than me. Her stash blew mine out of the water. I'm pretty sure I'd take her on ribbon and glitter though.)

But why all the pink flying pigs, you ask? She wrote an incredible blog post to explain her obsession. After you read it, you will know why I love her so much.

Kristen oozes sparkle and inspiration. And you want to know the craziest thing? She says I inspire her.

Oh My, Lucky Star!

Last March my spirited friend, Kristen Roedner (who's been rumored to poop rainbows), told me about a whole living art camp I just *had* to attend. Since I have the utmost confidence in her creative recommendations, I immediately signed up.

Now, fast forward to early this October when Kristen picked me up at the San Antonio airport in her pink flying pig. 

The two of us headed off on the backroads of the Texas Hill Country with the sun shining, top down, hats on, and me feeling like Thelma. Or Louise. Our destination: Lucky Start Art Camp. 

Lucky Star was a Texas-sized experience. I could write several blog posts about it, but since I've been a bit lax on the blogging lately, I'm going to cram it all into this one. I hope the magical essence of the experience shines through my words and photos. 

Look at this place! Lucky Star Art Camp was held at Waldemar, an all-girl's camp in continuous operation since 1926. 

I'm pretty sure my Waldemar cabin was built (and possibly decorated) in 1926. How I wish I had taken photos to show you! There was a kitschy Western cowboy mural on the wall over the fireplace. And kitschy Western cowboy comforters on the bunks. And kitschy Western cowboy curtains over the windows. I loved it all! Everyday as I stepped into my cowboy boots, this East Coast girl felt like a real Texan. (For the the first time, even though we moved to Dallas three years ago.)

While there were a variety of lodging options, I went for the full-camp experience and bunked with Kristen and four strangers, who I came to adore.  My cabinmates were an incredible mix of women: the famous novelist, the intuitive healer, the hilarious Jersey girl who once kissed Bradley Cooper, the super sweet and quiet Houston stay-at-home mama, Kristen, and me. Six of us in a small rustic cabin with one bathroom and four bunk beds. It could have been a disaster, but it was magic. We laughed, we cried, we stayed up late to talk. I felt like I was back in my sorority house. My cabinmates and the other women I met at camp were remarkable, creative, generous spirits who made my experience sparkle.

A wide array of classes were offered at camp: quilting, jewelry making, sewing, canning and preserving, cheese-making, photography, apothocary, intuitive healing, painting, creative writing, and more. It was hard to narrow down my choices, but I finally selected:

1. Happy Painting with Juliette Crane (held on the banks of the Guadalupe River!)

2. Dreambook by Shawn Stratmann, and 

3. How to Write a Children's Story by Katherine Center.

(BTW, I just finished her latest novel, The Lost Husband, and I highly recommend it.)

Besides our classes, we could hike and explore, paddleboard or canoe, swim, do yoga, or horseback riding. And the food! Fresh and local and healthy. But most of all, yummy.  We had incredible evening programs about slow family living, eating well for the planet, and dream setting. After evening program, we sat around the campfire and listened to Mandy Rowden sing and play her guitar. All that was missing was a round of kumbaya.

I really shouldn't complain about anything. Except that I'm a nature lover who would prefer to never see creepy crawlies. And two cabins down a tarantula was found outside. And scorpions frequent this part of Texas. And a frog got into our cabin one night. I am big-time bug phobic and would also prefer frogs stayed outside. Good thing I didn't see any of them, so I was still able to sleep. Braving the wild creatures of Texas was worth it, and I'm already signed up for Lucky Star next year.

***

And don't worry, Dear Reader, I know you want to hear more about my friend, Kristen, so a whole post on her is coming soon.)

A Woman To Admire: Kristen Leigh

This is the second post in the Women to Admire Series. Many of you wrote to tell me how you were impressed with courageous Laura. I knew you would find her admiration-worthy.

Without further ado, here is another gutsy woman whose actions inspire me.

Readers, meet my friend Kristen Leigh, who recently took the trip of a lifetime. Alone. For 23 (!!!) weeks. Without an itinerary. Alone. (I need to say that twice.) I am in awe.

Kristen in Barcelona

Kristen sold most of her belongings, put the rest in a 5' x 10' storage space (with room to spare), found substitute teachers for her private yoga clients, and then hopped on a plane.

Who here among us hasn't dreamt of boxing up your life and hitting the open road? I frequently experience wanderlust. But while many of us fantasize about it, very few of us have the moxie to actually do it.

Kristen visited Cleveland, Detroit, and Chicago before crossing the Atlantic Ocean for the United Kingdom, France, Spain, Greece, and Italy. Her trip then ended on a high, by visiting me in Dallas, Texas. (Insert smile here, Reader.)

Kristen in Malaga, Spain

We all have our own excuses as to why we don't hit the open road, but as Kristen proved, finances need not be one. She brought her laptop and worked in coffee shops (as a graphic designer) throughout her whole trip, and saved money by using Airbnb for almost all of her lodging.

Kristen posted this definition on her blog, and I love it so much, I am passing it along to inspire you.

vagabonding (n.) 

(1) the act of leaving behind the orderly world in order to travel independently for an extended period of time. (2) a privately meaningful manner of travel that emphasizes creativity, adventure, awareness, simplicity, discovery, independence, realism, self-reliance, and the growth of the spirit. (3) a deliberate way of living that makes freedom to travel possible. - Rolf Potts, author of Vagabonding: An Uncommon Guide to the Art of Long-term World Travel

Be sure to check out Escape Artist Blog, for upcoming posts about her adventure!

Big Dreamer

Every great dream begins with a dreamer.

 Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, 

and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world. 

-Harriet Tubman

My daughter is a big dreamer.

I pray that I will always lift her up and won't ever crush her spirit.

She inspires me to keep reaching.
It's incredible how much I'm learning 
from someone who isn't even two years old.

*

What have you learned from a little one in your life?

My Big Day with Oprah

Anyone who knows me well knows I *LOVE* Oprah. She inspires me to be a better person. And bloom. So after 6 or so years of trying to get tickets to her show, I was beyond excited when I finally won the Oprah.com ticket lottery. My mother-in-law had the misfortune of being next to me when I opened the email. Poor Miss Gwen may now be slightly deaf in one ear.

Looking back on my big day with Oprah, I realize it was a lot like another other incredible day in my life- my wedding day. Here are 12 ways how:

1. I dreamt about it for years. (When she decided to end The Oprah Winfrey Show, I thought my dream would never come true. Luckily, Oprah's Lifeclass on OWN- The Oprah Winfrey Network- sometimes has a live studio audience.)

2. The few weeks leading up to the big day, I was so excited I felt like I could have burst!

3. And there was that big question- what to wear? We were instructed to wear bright colors. No white, beige, or black. I choose a green Diane von Furstenberg dress. Green is Oprah's favorite color.

4. My best friend, Julia (who seven years ago was my matron of honor), was again by my side. And since the producers encouraged us to text, tweet, and post on Facebook during the taping, my sister (and maid of honor), Marilee, and my hubby were virtually present. They were both texting me and Marilee was watching the show live via Oprah.com.  BTW-she saw me twice.

5. I felt like a VIP. Oprah must have heard I was a big fan, because somehow Julia and I scored pink wristbands. We had no idea what they meant at first, but I sure felt special having one. As it turns out, the pink wristbands allowed us access to the orchestra level. Score! And on top of that, by some miracle, we ended up in the first row, stage right!  (Maybe it was the strict timeline I made Julia adhere to so we could get there extra early.)

6. Just like at my wedding, I was overcome with emotion. The moment I saw Oprah walk out on the stage, a crazy person came out of me. 

I was jumping up and down and screaming and waving and screaming and jumping and waving. (Julia thought I might have flashed my backside to the row behind us. Jumping wasn't something I considered when I chose to wear a dress.) Even a production crew member commented on my enthusiasm and joked that I was already on Youtube. Oh my. I'm hoping if I embarrassed myself it wasn't caught on camera. I'll have to wait and see when the show airs in 2013.

See the two women in red tops and white pants in the front row on the right?
That's me, in the green dress next to them.

7. While I was in Houston for the taping, I was fully aware that it was a magical experience for me. I was living in the moment.

8. It was worth the wait.

9. That night I was physically and emotionally drained. So much excitement in one day.

10. The day after the taping, I had an afterglow. And then there was a day of the post-wedding blues- the emotional let-down that sometimes follows such a highly anticipated event. It was over.

11. But I'll always have memories of my big day.

12. And I checked off one more item on my life list.



_____________
Note: More on the the episode topic, Finding Your Life's Purpose, and the amazing Oprah's Lifeclass guests in my next post.

Life is a Roller Coaster

I'm immensely grateful to my readers who have been asking for a new blog post and a surgery update. Thank you for your interest and concern. It warms my heart to know that my words have been missed and that in my blogging absence, I've still been remembered.

Much has happened since my last post. Here are some highlights:

1. We put our little bird in preschool 2 days a week. With my newly cherished "me time," I've been working on my book and making progress. The first 50 pages have already been sent to my book coach. I plan to give you, my dear readers, previews along the way. Stay tuned.

2. After at least 6 years of trying, I got tickets to Oprah! I went this past Friday and it was amazing. That will be the next blog post I write. Hopefully this week.

3. Surgery update: The good news is that 2/3 of my surgery was successful. Yay! The bad news is that 1/3 wasn't. Boo! So I am in for another surgery. Boo! But I've been assured it will be significantly less painful and recovery will be only a day instead of a week this time. So, Halloween morning is the day. While you are eating your candy, think of me. I won't be eating anything but liquids and pureed foods. Boo! After surgery there is a 4-6 month wait to see if the bone around the cleft in my jaw healed correctly. If not, I am in for another surgery with a bone graft. I'm hoping it works.

4. And here's the big one: For those of you who have been following my (in)fertility and then adoption journey, you know it has been a roller coaster. I received crazy and unexpected news over a week ago that I could possibly get pregnant. I wasn't even looking for this information- it just fell out of the sky (or from my new Ob/Gyn's mouth.) Then, as easy as it came, it was quickly retracted when my lab work came back. I was elated for a week, then devastated again. While I wouldn't change a thing about how our daughter came to us, I am still grieving my inability to experience pregnancy, childbirth, and a baby that is 1/2 me and 1/2 my husband. I was again feeling it was hopeless, but some serendipitous events (you know how I LOVE those) have my mind and heart in a tailspin. Is the universe sending me signs? Did I give up on my body too soon? Is my dream of getting pregnant and carrying our biological child possible? I'm reevaluating, wondering, and very scared to even get on that roller coster again. But this time, it's different. While it would still take a financial and emotional investment, most of the pressure is off. We already have a child and I know that adoption is no less of a miracle. So I'm going to try take deep breaths, be still, and listen to what my heart has so say on the matter.

Winter Sparkle

Well, it's a new year and I'm feeling motivated to write again.  Maybe it's because I'm sleeping better (Baby Girl is now sometimes sleeping through the night) or maybe it's because of all your wonderful comments.  Thank you dear readers for your kind words- blog comments add sparkle to my day.

Since your words encouraged me to take steps towards one of my life goals (writing and publishing a book), I'm sending them back your way with the following quote:

When we are motivated by goals that have deeper meaning, by dreams that need completion, by pure love that needs expressing- then we truly live life.  -Greg Anderson

So here's to love expressed, meaningful goals, and big dreams.  And making someone's day a little sparklier.


PS:  I've been so inspired, I changed the look of the blog.  What do you think?  It took me much longer to figure out than I care to admit, but I finally got my own artwork up there in the banner.

Happy Miracle Day

What a difference a year (or two) makes.  


Days before Mother's Day in 2009, my first and only pregnancy ended in the emergency room.  Mother's Day was a painful reminder of what I was not.


Last year, I went to our IVF clinic early in the morning and awaited a call from the doctor.  After shots and procedures, we were hoping for a miracle.  What were the odds that the test was scheduled on Mother's Day?  I was certain it was a positive sign.  It wasn't.  Our hopes and $20,000 lost.  Not pregnant.


This year, a miracle.  As I type this, I am looking at our beautiful baby girl.  She is sweeter and more lovely than I ever dreamed.  She may not have my genes, but somehow she has my eyes.  Her name means "little girl prayed for."  She's the answer to years of prayers.  And I am so blessed to be her mama.  


If you are facing challenges and losses on your way to motherhood, I understand.  The wait seems interminable.  Each month waiting to take that pregnancy test feels like forever.  And then the devastation when the damn thing reads "Not Pregnant."  And everyone around you is getting pregnant- even those who aren't trying!  And every commercial talks about babies, or motherhood, or pregnancy.  But know this:  your baby will find you.  But it will be on his or her own terms and timeline.  Somehow, someway, your baby will end up in your arms.  And the long wait will make you an incredible mother.  You won't take a moment for granted, you won't sweat the small stuff,  and you will be grateful everyday for the little blessing in your life.  And you will experience the miracle that is motherhood.     

Worth the Wait

She didn't come when I wanted,

but she was worth the wait.

She didn't arrive how we expected,

but there is no doubt she was destined to be ours.

I wasn't the vessel,

but I was the destination.

Teeny baby girl, 

you made my dream come true.

I am your mama.

And I love you.

Off to Africa

Dear Reader, I am incredibly excited to introduce you to my sweet friend Rebecca Bedard. Rebecca is heading to Africa on October 3th for 6 weeks of volunteer work.   Read on for inspiration!  I'll also be interviewing her when she gets back, so stay tuned for that update!  

(Photo credit: Karin Prescott, former TASAAGA volunteer)

K:  You are going to Uganda!  Tell us a bit about your upcoming plans.

R:  I'm leaving October 3rd, and will be away for 6 weeks (starting to worry about how much stuff I need to bring, yikes!!!)  I'll be working with a local non-governmental organization (NGO) called TASAAGA which is based in Kampala.  They've been in existence since 1995, and have grown tremendously since then but retain their core mission - to educate people about HIV/AIDS, and provide support for those impacted by the disease, especially women and children.  They have several programs, including a youth empowerment program that teaches kids the game of soccer, and incorporates a lot of HIV education to hopefully reduce risky behavior and prevent the spread of the virus in younger people; they run children's support centers and a primary school in a rural village called Sitabaale, and again incorporate HIV education - these centers primarily work with and provide primary school education for children who have been orphaned because of HIV/AIDS; they work in medical clinics and provide community education about HIV in rural fishing villages, as well as provide home visits for people living with HIV/AIDS; they run a micro lending program for women in villages surrounding the village of Sitabaale - the women receive business skill training and HIV education and a small loan (initially about $60) to begin a business that can become sustainable income for them to provide adequate food and education for their family.

I will primarily be working with the micro lending program, and when I'm not busy with that, will be working at the children's center in Sitabaale doing whatever needs done - stitching boo boos, doing laundry, teaching.....whatever it is, I'm up for the challenge!!

K:  How did you learn about this opportunity/ organization?

R:  I spent about 2 months researching NGO's in East Africa online, focusing on Tanzania, Uganda, and Kenya.  In the end, TASAAGA was the organization that did the work i was most interested in, that had been in existence for a long time, and had a great reputation.  A couple of the reasons I chose to work with them was  how open, friendly, and available the executive director was to answering all of my questions (he called me one afternoon after a brief email exchange to make sure he had answered my questions fully enough, and had me talk with one of the volunteers!) and the fact that in my research I found out a women who had been a volunteer there had been so moved by the experience she created another small NGO (collaborating with TASAAGA) that worked with children in some of the refugee camps in Uganda.

K:  A lot of people have plans to go to Africa (or somewhere) and volunteer (myself included!) but never get around to fulfilling that dream.  How did you decide to jump in and do it now?

R:  I wanted to do something like this a few years ago, but on a smaller scale.  i had been discouraged from doing it then by receiving feedback that to go to Africa for 2 weeks to volunteer would not be helpful - by the time i would get there and be trained, it would be time to leave, which would make the experience likely wonderful for me, but ultimately would waste limited resources of the program.  So i waited until i had the financial resources to go for an extended time, and also a boss who was willing to let me go and hold my job for me!
But that is the practical side of it. Truly  I decided to go now because I had been feeling like I was meant to do something, but wasn't sure what.  I had also been reading the book Half the Sky by Nicholas Kristoff, chronicling the resilience of women worldwide against arduous, violent, and oppressive circumstances.  So I started praying for the Lord to use my talent, skill, and desires in whatever way would make a difference.  I started volunteering in an after school program, thinking it would be that " something"  but it wasn't.  One morning in church, listening to the sermon it hit me that i was meant to work with women, to help them improve their lives.  for reasons I'm still not clear about, I just felt drawn to East Africa.

I chose to work with the micro lending program at TASAAGA because I want to try and make a sustainable difference in women's lives - even if one woman I work with is able to start a business so she can reliably feed her children, send them to school, keep herself and her family healthy it will be the most amazing satisfaction.  But I fully expect  what i gain from the program, and particularly from the shared experience with the women, will be so much more than I am able to give to them.

K:  You have a HUGE dog.  Where is Kane going to stay while you are in Africa?

R:  Kane will be on "vacation" at the "spa" In other words, he'll be staying at my parents, receiving innumerable treats, bellyrubs, attention,.....I will surely have a hard time "deprogramming" him from it! 

K:  How can NCB readers support you?

  R:  TASAAGA is a non-profit organization that runs totally on donations.  currently they are fundraising for two projects - the second phase of the micro lending program: the goal is $1200 for a group business - 6 women are looking to open a bakery, with all of them working, sharing profits,  and repaying the loan.  And the bigger fundraiser is to start a medical clinic in the village of Sitabaale, which will serve it, and the surrounding 5 villages.  currently people in these villages have to walk for 3 hours to the closest government clinic for medical attention (imagine walking 3 hours with your very sick child, or with a broken leg......)
The website for TASAAGA is www.tasaaga.org   On there you will find a link for a donations page.  Unfortunately they do not have means for electronic donations.  If you decide to send a check, please just write my name somewhere on it - once a volunteer raises funds, I have oversight of them, and I want to be able to contact you and report how  your donation was used!

K:  Is there anything else you want to add?

 R:  I can only encourage your readers to  think about how they want to make a meaningful difference in the world, and go out there and do it.  You can make a difference in so many. many, many ways - be creative, follow your heart, do what moves you.  but most of all just do it!

Here's a bit more about Rebecca in her own words:

I've been a nurse for 14 years, and specialize in psychiatry.  I also have a master's degree in public health, and have spent time doing health coaching (where I luckily met Kathianne!), managing grant projects, and running an outpatient clinic.  I've lived in Boston the majority of my adult life, but am ready to move somewhere I no longer have to shovel snow! I have the most awesome dog, a 140lb bullmastiff named Kane - he really is like an enormous non-verbal two year old : )

Bon Voyage Rebecca!  Safe travels and we can't wait to hear about your adventures (and see some photos) when you get back.