Monday, January 30, 2012
Too Much Knocking
I recently came across this quote and it smacked me in the face:
Many of us knock on the door but remain outside, because knocking and entering are entirely different actions. Knocking is necessary, consisting of reading books, attending meetings, asking questions. But entrance requires much bolder action. It requires one to enter into himself, to uncover hidden motives, to see contradictions, and to realize the actual power for self-change. -Vernon Howard
In regards to a certain dream of mine- writing and publishing a book- I've been knocking for quite a while now. The above quote made me uncomfortable because I was made aware of my status- firmly planted on the welcome mat in front of a closed door. I'm not sure what is stopping me (fear of failure probably), but I've decided the knocking stops here. I'm taking a bold action towards entering: I'm going public, dear reader, and I'm letting you in on my secret. I'm hoping your words of affirmation and the forced accountability that going public provides will have me soon crossing the threshold.
All during my journey to motherhood, I was journaling. Through the months trying to conceive, the etopic pregnancy and loss, the unsuccessful IVF, and then our adoption, I wrote to the baby girl that I knew would one day be ours. I filled one journal and started another. While a few steps along the journey were posted on this blog, the most raw and private details stayed hidden in my notebooks. I never posted anything about the esoteric ways I tried to increase my fertility, the challenging and sometimes insulting adoption process, or the sadness that occasionally still stabs at my heart when I see a pregnant woman. My daughter will inherit the journals when she is mature enough to read them. They are a testament to my deep desire to be a mother, my longing for her to come to us, the inner struggles one has when "choosing a baby" through adoption, and the challenge infertility and adoption place on a couple. They are a heart-felt written record of all we endured to become parents.
During my journey, I did a lot of reading. The most healing books for me were the memoirs of women who went before me. I related to those women in a way that I didn't relate to anyone else. Especially because so many people keep their baby struggles private. To someone going through the journey, it seems as if everyone got, is, or can get pregnant without issues. I believe publishing the journals would be healing for other women. I believe this so strongly, I've asked my extremely private husband for his consent. For our pain to help others, for our story to impart hope, well, that would make it all worthwhile. Almost.