A Story Still Being Written

When I wrote the last blog post, I thought the story of my first pregnancy had ended. I was ready to move on and look forward. However, I found out yesterday that the story is not over. And, I feel I owe it to my readers to provide an update. I’ve received many emails asking if I am okay and asking how the ultrasound went yesterday. Your kind words have nourished me. You were with me on the first part of this journey, so I want to also include you now.

The ultrasound revealed I did not miscarry. As of yesterday, I was six weeks pregnant. It was not good news as the baby is not in my uterus, but in my fallopian tube. Ectopic pregnancy, as it is called, is a very dangerous condition that occurs in less than 2% of pregnancies. The Ob told me and my husband it is the main cause of maternal death in pregnancy. The baby grows very rapidly in early weeks and the fallopian tube is tiny. It is not made to expand and therefore can burst and cause hemorrhaging and possible death to the mother. I did not have any of the risk factors for ectopic pregnancy, so it is a mystery as to why this happened. We spent several hours yesterday in the ER, where they gave me a drug that will stop the development of the fetus. When they gave me the shot, I knew it was ending my first pregnancy. There was no choice; the baby cannot continue to grow without killing me in the process. Even so, I felt sad about it. I am thankful that they were unable to hear the heartbeat. That would have been even more painful.

I have to continue to get blood tests to make sure the medication worked and the pregnancy is not progressing. If it continues to progress, we can try another shot or I will need surgery to remove the fetus. Surgery can damage the fallopian tube and decrease my future fertility.

I’ve been searching for meaning in this challenge, and so far I have come up with a small list:

1. My husband and I have grown even closer dealing with this.
2. I have been surrounded by love and positive energy from friends and family.
3. I know if I finally get to have a baby, it will be worth the wait.
4. I am growing and adding depth to my character because of this situation. This situation will help me to bloom into my best self.
5. I have realized my vulnerability is also what makes me powerful.

On Tuesday, a consoling friend shared this beautiful quote with me: "Women’s tears are a river that carry them to their dreams." If this is true, I am well on my way.

If you are a mother who has been blessed with children, look at them today and be grateful. If you are yet to be a mother and are having difficulty becoming one, know that you are not alone.