If you read my last blog post, you know I’m waiting for a miracle. I have a second ultrasound next Wednesday to determine for good whether I already miscarried or if despite all odds, the pregnancy is progressing. Each day I lose a bit of hope. It may seem like losing hope is a bad thing, but I am starting to think it might be okay.
Buddhists believe that attachment is the source of all suffering. I’ve been clinging to my hopes despite all evidence and a sinking gut feeling that this baby is gone. I am now working on surrendering and accepting what is. I’m trying not to cling so hard to my desires and my timeline.
It is such a challenge to let go and accept that no matter how much I wanted this baby and no matter how many years I dreamt of being a mother, now is not my time. Clearly, the Universe has another path for me right now. I have countless past examples of how situations worked out for the better when I didn’t get what I wanted or when I wanted it. Yet it’s so easy to say that on the other side of things, after I knew they worked out. This side of things is a challenge. Waiting is rough, even with the messages I’ve received from the Great Beyond (see last week’s posts).
The lesson of patience keeps showing up in my life. I admit, I still have not incorporated this virtue, despite countless opportunities. I am making progress, but I have a long way to go. I’ve got patience in the post office line, patience waiting for the subway train, and patience with my clients, but patience with the one thing I want more than anything in the world? Forget it. I wanted it months ago.
Please send me your thoughts on patience. What experiences, quotes, or insights do you have to offer to those of us who are not-so-patiently waiting? I would love to hear stories about how waiting turned out to be for the best. It will give me something to read while I’m here in the waiting room.