If you read my last blog post, you know I’m waiting for a miracle. I have a second ultrasound next Wednesday to determine for good whether I already miscarried or if despite all odds, the pregnancy is progressing. Each day I lose a bit of hope. It may seem like losing hope is a bad thing, but I am starting to think it might be okay.
Buddhists believe that attachment is the source of all suffering. I’ve been clinging to my hopes despite all evidence and a sinking gut feeling that this baby is gone. I am now working on surrendering and accepting what is. I’m trying not to cling so hard to my desires and my timeline.
It is such a challenge to let go and accept that no matter how much I wanted this baby and no matter how many years I dreamt of being a mother, now is not my time. Clearly, the Universe has another path for me right now. I have countless past examples of how situations worked out for the better when I didn’t get what I wanted or when I wanted it. Yet it’s so easy to say that on the other side of things, after I knew they worked out. This side of things is a challenge. Waiting is rough, even with the messages I’ve received from the Great Beyond (see last week’s posts).
The lesson of patience keeps showing up in my life. I admit, I still have not incorporated this virtue, despite countless opportunities. I am making progress, but I have a long way to go. I’ve got patience in the post office line, patience waiting for the subway train, and patience with my clients, but patience with the one thing I want more than anything in the world? Forget it. I wanted it months ago.
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Please send me your thoughts on patience. What experiences, quotes, or insights do you have to offer to those of us who are not-so-patiently waiting? I would love to hear stories about how waiting turned out to be for the best. It will give me something to read while I’m here in the waiting room.
Kathianne, I know how much you have been looking forward to being a mommy. My sister is 36 (soon to be 37) and I remember 2 years ago when she was in between homes and feeling like she needed to get pregnant asap or she would loose her chances of having another baby (she had a 3 year old already at the time). Her husband's job was unstable and she was so tired of moving from rental to rental and feeling like her dream of having a stable family would not happen. Well they finally bought a beautiful home outside of Minneapolis and now have twin baby girls!! We were concerned throughout the pregnancy but she and the babies were completly healthy and now they are getting so big and they are feeling very blessed. She is a better Mom now because she really appreciates how lucky she is. She is very patient and never complains about getting up in the middle of the night or all of the other tasks that can drain a parent of twins. I know things will work out for you and Brian as well. I admire that you realize you are short on patience and are willing to continuously work on trying to become a better person. I think you are great and I love your openess and vulnerability. These qualities will make you a wonderful mother someday soon...
ReplyDeleteKats ~
ReplyDeleteYou are a beautiful and gifted writer. Just wanted to add that patience is not my forte, either, but it helps me if I focus on faith...and leave the details in God's hands. It will all work out for you. Have faith, my friend!
Hugs,
Michele
I know about not wanting to give up on something that you really want.
ReplyDeleteI was so excited about getting married and planning it all out and the 2 week long motorcycle trip thru SD & WY. but everything for me seems to be falling apart. I gave up the job I had because it was an out of control situation, so $ is going to be real tight, My fiance is worried that being around my disfunctional family I will catch waht they have and come back to him a basketcase, It is very challenging. I have had to give up a beautiful place to get married and have the reception, the dress I wanted I don't feel comfortable ordering anymore, I have given up on the 2 week long bike trip and most likely will have to give up on just 1 week as well, for possible day trips. I read the other "Speaking of Signs" *********************
"Every Adversity has within it the seed of an equal or greater benefit"
So, I think about that and having hope is the only thing that you can have sometimes.
I try very hard to believe that there is a plan and realize that I am Not(always :0) IN Charge. I remind myself to not become "Defined by Outside Influences" but instead to look at myself and every situation as opportunity of growth.
I hope you become a mom someday. Any child would be blessed to have you for their mom.
"Without changing the world, there is escape from sorrow just by shifting the perspective." - Joseph Campbell - This is what's on my calendar for May, 2009. So,maybe this patience stuff can be seen as shifting the perspective as many times as necessary to ease your (not the world's) outlook on a situation (sorrow)? It doesn't have to be all worry and pain, rather it can be some form of cleansing and acceptance? I plan to think of this whenever I lose my patience. Hope this helps.
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