Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Got Hope?

I’ve had a rough week. It started high last Thursday. After months of trying and years of dreaming, I was overjoyed at finding out I was pregnant for the first time. It ended low today, after the nurse midwife told me I most likely miscarried already but they won’t know for sure until next week when they can do an ultrasound. I asked, “Is there any hope that I am still pregnant? Any hope that the baby is okay?” She said, “I don’t want to give you hope. I can’t say you won’t have a miracle baby, but most likely, no.”

When I returned to our apartment complex I decided to take the elevator. I walk up the 4 flights of stairs 95% of the time, but I was so emotionally and physically drained, I didn’t have it in me. When the elevator doors opened, the first thing I saw through the glass wall was a bumper sticker on the car in front of me. Got hope? it read.

No, I thought. No hope. But that is not true. Even as I read it, I thought, “Is this a sign?” During this past week, I kept looking for signs from from the Universe that everything was going to be okay. When I had my blood drawn on Monday to see if hormones indicated the pregnancy was progressing, the kind woman hugged me and told me her daughter bled throughout her pregnancy and had a healthy boy. Today when I got my blood drawn again, I noticed the phlebotomist’s last name was Sellers. My maiden name. I can’t remember meeting someone (outside of my family) with that last name before. He also hugged me because of my tears.

I’ve had signs this week that all will be okay. Maybe there’s not too much hope left for this pregnancy, but hope is growing inside me for a future one. And even though I don’t want to admit it to myself, I am still holding out for a miracle.


Postscript: I know a lot of people don’t let others know they are pregnant right away because of the risk of miscarriage in the first trimester. I just couldn’t help myself, I was so excited. I respect other people’s decision to stay private, but looking back, I wouldn’t change a thing. This is me. I am an open book (much to my extremely private husband’s chagrin.) Life is ups and downs, tears and jumps of joy. I went through the whole roller coaster in the past 7 days. Through the drama, I got closer to those I shared this experience with. I want to thank them all (including the 2 hugging phlebotomists) for their support. I am grateful I am on the ride with such wonderful people.


  1. Kathianne, thank you so much for sharing this story with us. You've been through a lot and I've been sending, and will continue to send, positive thoughts to you. Hope has a very powerful presence.

  2. I love you and am thinking of you during your rough time, love.

  3. Kathianne ... You are so brave to share this experience. You are always in my heart and my prayers. I believe in miracles too.

  4. Kathianne, your story is so well told... I'm just sorry you had to experience such loss. I'm thinking about you and sending hope your way.

  5. I love you and wanted to share this with you:
    A Mother's Prayer After a Miscarriage

    In this time of loss I call upon my spirit within to guide me to my strength so that I may find peace and completion.

    I will use this strength to demand of myself and others my need to grieve completely, for this will be my first step in healing.

    During my time of grief I will seek guidance not only from my inner spirit but from loving persons who may offer wisdom and comfort.

    I need to understand that the soul as well as the physical body needs healing and to pay attention to this. I will learn to accept that the soul may never heal completely.

    I will learn to live not in fear and once again see beauty in my world and purpose in my existence.

    In spite of my new knowledge that things happen that cannot be controlled, I must call upon the places within me that tell me I do have control over much of my life and use this control to aid my healing.

    Let me recognize the gift in my ability to conceive and carry life however briefly.

    Let me take joy in my ability to love so deeply and desire to nurture a soul unbeknownst to me.

    Let me find healing in the belief that this soul knew my love for it and that that love helped it to pass to another place.

    Let me honor this short life not only with my love but in finding meaning in its existence.

    Let me recognize this meaning in not only my ability to survive, but in my fullest appreciation of all the moments motherhood will bring me, along with my deeper compassion and sisterhood to other women who?ve experienced loss.

    Let a part of this soul be reflected in the spirit of my future children, born or adopted, so that I may know it through them.

    I will listen to and trust the place in my deepest heart that tells me I will once again be reunited with this soul and will fulfil the need to hold it in my arms.

    I will help myself to feel comfort in the knowledge that there is a star in heaven that belongs to me.

    by Stacey Dinner-Levin

    sending you BIG hugs across the mile.......

  6. Kathianne, I am so sorry. You have a sweet, beautiful spirit. I admire you for your willingness to share. I will be thinking of you. Take care, Caroline

  7. I will tell you that there IS HOPE! I tried everything to get pregnant for 2 years. I had all the test in the world done and nothing could be found wrong! I eventually found out that I was pregnant. I was scared to tell people, but was to excited not to. So, I told EVERYONE!! AFter a difficult pregnancy with pre-eclmapsia, I did have a a 9lb. 3 oz. boy, at 37 weeks. The funny thing is I had another 8lb. boy at 36weeks(pre-eclamsia, again) 1 yr. and 1/2 later and then a girl 1 yr. 1/2 after him(again pre-eclampsia). Boy, I prayed and prayed, and God eventually Gave and Gave and Gave. There is Hope. Just hang in there. I thought all my hopes and dreams of having a family was never going to happen and God gave me 3 beautiful, healthy babies in 3 years. Though, there were pregnancy complications, I feel very blessed to have FINALLY gotten my family that I dreamed of. They are now 7,5 1/2 and soon to be 4. They are all my and my husband's Miracles. I am Praying for your Miracle.