I've written about my pregnancy loss before, but I have not told you the whole story. Until now. I chose not to wait to tell people about my pregnancy, but my sister did. I wanted to respect her desire to tell the world on her own timeline.
My sister (who is almost a year and a half older than me) called in March to tell me she was unexpectedly, although joyfully, pregnant. It was tough news to handle, since I'd been trying for 5 unsuccessful months by then. Perhaps it was selfish of me to feel that way, but feel that way I did. As it turns out, I didn't have too long to worry about that. I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks later. We were both so excited to be having babies at the same time! I had visions of a double baby shower, play dates together, and future vacations with the children.
We both experienced early bleeding in the beginning of our pregnancies. We had a lot of worried calls to each other and we both ended up having ultrasounds on the very same day. Our ultrasounds were 1 hour apart from each other; hers in Philly and mine in Atlanta. She called after hers to tell me they heard the heartbeat. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to report happy news.
Fast forward 6 months to my trip last week to visit my family, including my sister. She is now very much showing. She looks adorable pregnant. Absolutely adorable. And while I am happy for her, her happiness is also linked to my pain. She is a visual reminder of what I lost.
It didn't bother me when my best friend got pregnant unexpectedly for the 3rd time or when my good friend here in Atlanta got pregnant unexpectedly, both while I was trying. But a relationship with a sister is different. It's very strong but it's also complicated. I'm sure this will make us even closer at some point in the future. I'm sure that I will be able to look back one day, after I have my baby and be fine with all of this. I will know that this pain has made me stronger and more compassionate. I will hold my daughter in my arms and know she was worth the long wait. But right now, as I make 30 invitations for my sister's baby shower, I'm fully aware that I am not there yet.
I am touched by your openness and willingness to share. You will make a truly incredible mother one day and your children will know how fortunate they are to have you as their mom. Much the same way your friends know how fortunate they are to have you as a friend.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry darling! There is nothing I could say to make it better, but I am here if you need to talk!
ReplyDeleteOh, how lucky for the cousins to have a built in best friend!
ReplyDeleteAnd I think it's good to be honest about how you're feeling. That's how we work through it. :-)
Sweetie, you are so brave to share your pain openly. I know you will make a wonderful mother one day. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteSo much good will come from your sharing, including, I hope, your own healing. My sisters and I are close, too...well, close doesn't really go far enough. We are sisters. And, even in that closeness, it is difficult to be honest and to be able to just sit with the duality and complexity of our love, happiness, sadness and sometimes even envy. But, in doing that, we expand so tremendously. I have been there around other issues. Thank you for making it OK. Sending you light and love!
ReplyDeleteKats-
ReplyDeleteYou are always close to my heart. Thank you for being you : )
Love,
your big sis