For Well-Being and Happiness, Focus on Self-Love

Valentine's Day is almost here! This year I hope you give kindness and compassion to someone worthy of your attention. You.

Science is clear that self-love and self-care are critical to well-being and happiness. People who value themselves are more likely to engage in healthy behaviors, have better health, and higher satisfaction in relationships. 

One study, published in Clinical Psychological Science, showed people who focused on self-compassion had lower heart rates and sweat responses compared to those with critical thoughts about themselves. Study author, Dr. Hans Kirschner, explained the results, "These findings suggest that being kind to oneself switches off the threat response and puts the body in a state of safety and relaxation that is important for regeneration and healing." 

Despite the many benefits, I've discovered two common beliefs that hold women back from practicing self-love and self-care:

Belief #1. Self-care is selfish.  

My response: You become better in all of your roles and relationships when you are healthy and happy. In addition, you model the importance of physical and mental self-care to your loved ones. Win-win!

Belief #2. If I accept and love myself and my current body, I will become complacent and won't be motivated to make changes.

My response: 28 years of education and experience have shown me the the opposite! Shame and an "I-hate-my-body" attitude do not motivate positive change and instead reinforce negative behaviors. 

So what does self-love and self-care look like? Well, it does NOT look like dieting, deprivation, or counting calories or grams! That's not love! Instead, it looks like:

• Valuing your well-being and happiness.
• Setting healthy boundaries with others. 
• Talking to yourself with kindness and compassion.
• Caring for your here-and-now body with respect.
• Listening to your body's signals (like hunger and satiety). 
• Eating nourishing foods and eating foods that bring you pleasure.
• Getting adequate rest and sleep.
• Frequent joyful movement.
• Forgiving yourself for past mistakes.
• Managing your stress in healthy ways.
• Surrounding yourself with people who lift you higher.
• Spending time in nature.
• Participating in activities that bring you joy.
• Living your values and speaking your truth.
• Acknowledging that self-love is a journey.

This Valentine's Day and beyond, please give yourself some love!  

💗💗💗

I help women move beyond dieting and overwhelm, toward their passions and purpose. Email me at kathianne.williams(at)gmail.com, to learn more. Clients who start before the new Nourish.Create.Bloom. website launches on April 1st will receive a discount.

Healthy Living: My WebMD Debut

Happiness, connection, time outside, and enjoyable
movement are all important parts of healthy living.
Photo by Brian H. Williams

Earlier this year, I was disheartened to find my debut WebMD article (I was not the author but was cited as an expert), was replaced on their site. It was a highlight of my career at the time when WebMD interviewed me. Twice! And although I did the interview at least three years after my wedding, I remember when I read the article I was thinking, Who is this Williams? 😆 

Luckily, I was able to easily find multiple pilfered copies of the article by googling my name plus WebMD. Since my previous links will no longer work, I copied the original version and pasted it below. I'm not sure of the exact date the article was written, but it's between 2008-2010, when I was living in Atlanta. It's all still relevant* and encompasses many aspects of well-being. You can find my insights in steps 1, 3, 4, and 5. Enjoy!

*Note: If I were the author of this article, I would not include "Gauge Your Girth" in Step 1. I'll write a blog post about my reasoning in the near future and link it back here. 

Healthy Living: 8 Steps To Take Today

By Miranda Hitti, WebMD 

Healthy living is within your reach, starting today. Sure, healthy living is a long-term commitment, not a flash-in-the-pan fad. But there are steps you can take right now that will make today healthier than yesterday and pave the way for healthy living tomorrow, too.

Here’s your checklist of practical healthy living tips that are ready to go. Let’s get started.

Healthy Living Step No. 1: Take stock.

Your first step toward healthy living is to get a handle on your health status right now. Here’s your to-do list:

• Make appointments with your doctor and dentist. Catch up on your routine screening and immunizations, and take the opportunity to ask your doctor any questions you might have.
• Gauge your girth. Measure your height and weight to check your BMI, and measure your waist circumference to see if you’re overweight and if your waistline is putting your health at risk.
• Assess your activity. How much physical activity do you get in a typical week? How intense is that activity? How much variety do you get in your activity, and how much do you enjoy it? The CDC recommends that adults get at least two and a half hours per week of moderate-intensity aerobic activity or one hour and 15 minutes per week of vigorous-intensity aerobic activity, plus muscle-strengthening activities at least two days per week.
• Keep a food diary. Write down everything you eat for a day — and no fair skipping the items you’re embarrassed about. “The idea is to write it down … without judgment,” says Kathianne Sellers Williams, MEd, RD, LD, a nutritionist, wellness coach, and personal trainer in Atlanta. “You can’t change what you’re not aware of or don’t acknowledge.”
• Check your mood and energy. Healthy living includes emotional wellness and adequate rest. How has your mood been lately? Are you experiencing any symptoms of depression or anxiety? Do you usually sleep well for seven to eight hours a night?
• Consider your social network. How strong are your connections with family and friends? Are you plugged in with social or spiritual groups that enrich your life? “People have a fundamental need for positive and lasting relationships,” C. Nathan DeWall, assistant professor of psychology at the University of Kentucky, tells WebMD.

If you’re not thrilled with the answers to some of those questions, remember that the point is to figure out where you are today so you can set your healthy living goals. It’s not about being “good” or “bad,” “right” or “wrong.”

Healthy Living Step No. 2: Put out fires.

If you know that you have chronic health problems, whether it’s heart disease, diabetes, depression, arthritis, or other conditions, treatment is an obvious priority for healthy living. The same goes for risky behaviors, such as smoking, and addictions of any kind.

Addressing these issues typically isn’t a do-it-yourself task. Partner with your doctor. Make the phone call today to schedule that appointment. 

Healthy Living Step No. 3: Move more.

• Make it fun. Go on a hike, walk with friends, take a bellydancing or karate class, or whatever you enjoy. “There’s no need to stick to cardioequipment in the gym if you’re dreading it and you don’t like it,” Williams says. “Find something that’s fun.”
• Keep track of it. Make a note of your physical activity in your date book or calendar. “Put big Xs on the days that you exercise,” Williams says. “Keep a visual record that you look at frequently” as a reminder and motivator.
• Set a weekly goal for activity. To build your confidence, “make the first goal so easy that you say, ‘I know I can do that,'” Williams suggests. She recommends weekly goals because if you set a daily goal and miss a day, you might get discouraged; weekly goals give you more day-to-day flexibility. And at the end of the week, reward yourself with a visual reminder of your accomplishment, such as buying flowers for yourself.
• Work activity into your day. “Ten percent of something is better than 100% of nothing. So even if you have 10 minutes, it’s better than zero minutes,” Williams says. She suggests taking a 10-minute walk before lunch or walking up and down the stairs when you’re feeling drained and tired.

Other ideas include wearing a pedometer to track how many steps you take per day (health experts recommend shooting for 10,000 steps per day) and working with a personal trainer (double up with a friend to lower the cost) to create an exercise routine.

Healthy Living Step No. 4: Upgrade your diet.

Williams, a nutritionist for a dozen years, says her diet advice isn’t about eating certain foods and avoiding others as much as it is about awareness and choices. Here are her pointers:

• Replace “I should” with “I choose.” So instead of “I should be eating more fruits and vegetables,” it’s “I choose to eat more fruits and vegetables” or “I choose not to,” because it’s more powerful language,” Williams says. “It shows that you’re in control, you’re making the choice. So if you choose to or you choose not to, you make the choice and you move on.”
• Skip the guilt. “Usually, whenever someone feels guilty about something, it feeds right back to the behavior that they’re trying to get rid of,” Williams says. “So if someone is an emotional eater and they say, ‘I know I shouldn’t be doing this,” it implies more guilt and judgment on themselves, they feel worse, and then they end up eating to comfort themselves.”
• Choose to plan. Stock your pantry with healthy fare and bring healthy snacks with you so you’re prepared when you get hungry. “When we’re really hungry, our physiology kicks in and that’s when we’re craving the hamburger and fries; we’re not craving a salad,” Williams says.
• Slow down and savor your food. Don’t watch TV, work, or drive while you’re eating. “A lot of people tell me, ‘My problem is that I really like food,’ but I think that’s a really good thing,” Williams says. “If you really enjoy food, sit down and enjoy your meal. You’re much more likely to feel psychologically satisfied if you don’t multitask while you’re eating.”
• Shoot for five to nine daily servings of varied fruits and vegetables. Cover the rainbow of fruit and vegetable colors to get a good mix of nutrients. “If you’re not getting the rainbow, you’re probably not getting all the nutrients that you need,” Williams says.

Healthy Living Step No. 5: Manage stress.

• Routine maintenance: Develop positive coping skills, such as meditation and visualization, and look for activities, such as yoga or exercise, to keep your baseline stress level in check.
• Breakthrough stress: Find ways to handle stressful situations that flare up without warning. For instance, Williams says that after a stressful meeting at work, you might run up and down the stairs a few times to burn off anger, or retreat to a bathroom stall to take a few deep breaths and refocus.
• Check your perspective. Ask yourself, “Will this matter to me a year from now?” If not, why are you getting so wound up?
• Volunteer. Helping to meet other peoples’ needs may make your own problems seem smaller.
• Keep a gratitude journal. Write down the positive people, events, and things that you’re thankful for. “It really switches the focus to, ‘Wow, look how much I have,” Williams says. “Most stress is caused by wishing things were different than they are now.”
• Breathe. One of the breathing exercises that Williams recommends is to count your breaths for a minute, and then try to cut that number of breaths in half for the next minute.

Healthy Living Step No. 6: Sleep better.

If you have trouble sleeping, try these tips from sleep medicine specialist Lisa Shives, MD, medical director of Northshore Sleep Medicine in Evanston, Ill.

• No TV or computer two hours before bedtime. It’s not just because the TV and computer are stimulating; it’s also because of their light. “We’re very sensitive to the cue that light gives you that it’s time to be up and about,” Shives says. She recommends light, calming reading lit by a lamp that doesn’t shine directly into your eyes.
• No heavy exercise close to bedtime. Light stretching is OK, but vigorous activity will heat up your body’s core temperature, which makes it harder to sleep. “If you’re working up a sweat, you’re working too hard right before bed,” Shives says.
• Take a hot bath. That will heat up your core body temperature, but when you get out of the bath, your core temperature will fall, which may help you get to sleep. Plus, the bath “relaxes you mentally,” Shives says. She adds that having a hot, noncaffeinated drink, such as chamomile tea, may also help.
• Set a regular sleep schedule. When Shives treats insomnia patients, she tells them that although they can’t make themselves fall asleep, they can make themselves get up at a certain time the next morning. And though they may be tired at first, if they don’t nap, they may start sleeping better during the following nights. “We’re going to get nowhere if they take big naps during the day and keep a very erratic sleep schedule; it’s chaos then,” Shives says.
• Don’t count on weekend catch-up sleep. If you have chronic sleep problems, you probably can’t make up for that on the weekends. But if you generally sleep well and have a rough week, go ahead and sleep in on the weekend. “I actually think that’s good for the body,” Shives says.
• Don’t ignore chronic sleep problems. “Don’t let sleep troubles linger for months or years. Get to a sleep specialist earlier rather than later, before bad habits set in,” Shives says.
• Prioritize good sleep. “This is as important as diet and exercise,” Shives says. She says that in our society, “we disdain sleep, we admire energy and hard work and [have] this notion that sleep is just something that gets in the way.”

Healthy Living Step No. 7: Improve your relationships.

Healthy living isn’t just about your personal habits for, say, diet and activity. It’s also about your connections with other people — your social network.

DeWall, the University of Kentucky social psychologist, offers these tips for broadening your social network:

• Look for people like you. The details of their lives don’t have to match yours, but look for a similar level of openness. “What really is important in terms of promoting relationship well-being is that you share a similar level of comfort in getting close to people,” DeWall says. For instance, he says that someone who needs a lot of reassurance might not find the best relationship with someone who’s more standoffish. “Feel people out in terms of, ‘Does this person seem like me in terms of wanting to be close to other people?'” DeWall suggests.
• Spend time with people. “There’s this emphasis in our culture that you need to be very independent — an army of one, you can get along on your own,” DeWall says. “Most people don’t know their neighbors as much as they did 50 or 60 years ago.”
• Build both virtual and face-to-face relationships. DeWall isn’t against having online connections to other people. “But I think long term, having all of your relationships online or virtual … would probably be something that wouldn’t be as beneficial as having a mix” of having virtual and in-person relationships.
• If a close relationship is painful, get help. “Some of my work and some work that other people are doing suggest that … when you feel rejected by someone, that your body actually registers it as pain. So if I’m in a relationship that’s really causing me a lot of pain, then we need to do something, we need to go and seek help,” DeWall says.

Healthy Living Step No. 8: Challenge your mind.

Participating in mentally stimulating activities, especially activities that involve other people, may be good for the brain.

There’s no downside to including brain-challenging activities as part of your healthy living, unless “you spent $400 on some computer program that makes all sorts of wild claims about brain health,” says David Knopman, MD, a neurologist at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn.

Knopman explains that brain fitness is influenced by many factors, including education and opportunities for mentally stimulating activities starting in childhood, and also by the presence or absence of depression, diabetes, smoking, high blood pressure, and other risks.

Observational studies have shown that people who engage in mentally stimulating activities may be less likely to develop dementia. But Knopman notes that such studies don’t prove cause and effect, so it’s not clear if mentally stimulating activities protect against dementia or whether people with healthier brains are drawn to those activities in the first place.

That said, Knopman says, “I think that socially engaging activities are particularly important, and that’s why I’m somewhat skeptical about the various commercial entities that seek to sell computer games to stimulate the brain. … If that’s done to the exclusion of socially engaging activity, it’s probably counterproductive.”

*****

Article originally posted at https://www.webmd.com/balance/features/healthy-living-8-steps-to-take-today#1

Go Spread Love

My Dear Readers,

I'm sending you love. 

Texas-sized, sparkly love.  

From my home to yours.

It's LOVE Week! It's LOVE month! Even if you don't have a "Special Lady" or "Special Mister," it's no matter. Surely there is someone (ANYONE) who you love and someone who loves you. This is a great time to send them a 😘 text, a card via snail mail with glitter in the envelope (it's not too late, it's never too late), a 💖 posted on their Facebook page, or an extra long hug. You might even consider leaving a comment on a blog post (hint,hint.)

Send love to people (and animals) who really need a reminder that they matter: refugees, foster children, sick kids, the impoverished or homeless, injured veterans, abandoned animals, lonely old folks, and grieving families to name a few. Give a smile, money, hugs, prayers, your time, your gently used clothes and homegoods, and/or notes that say you care. Pick up garbage that you didn't leave to love our verdant planet. Practice self-care (NOURISH yourself with dark chocolate, blackberries, green tea, long walks, and bubble baths. Or gratitude-journal writing, time being creative, and 15 minutes sitting in silence so you can hear your soul.) Love yourself and then love others from your overflow! 

And who doesn't love this bunny who is obviously the life of the fiesta?

This world needs more love! So be a love spreader! Spread love like heart-shaped confetti blowing in a 55 mph wind gust. (Biodegradable confetti, of course, because we also love Mother Earth.)

Please keep me posted on ways that you are spreading love this month! 

↣↣↣💘↢↢↢

PS: If you have little ones at home, try this craft with them. It's super easy and fun.

I-Spy Sticker Cards

I save all of the stickers we accumulate (lots of $1 sticker packs from Target, it might be a problem) in a bin and then whip out the bin for projects like this. Just take a notecard and stick, stick, stick away. It's great for fine motor development.

We (and by we, I mean me because God gave me a daughter who is perfect as he made her except that can only sit to do craft projects for 3-8 minutes at a time) made these for some of our little friends that live far away. On the back I wrote: We made you an I-Spy! Can you find.....a strawberry, a squirrel, a teeny skull, and....... What else can you find? I sent the cards in envelopes to keep the stickers from falling off in the mail. A sealant like Mod-Podge would also protect them if you are more inclined to send postcards.

Go spread love Dear Readers!

Reflections on Becoming Unexpected Activists (Or Our Life went Crazy Pants)

 Photo Source

Here's what I learned when my husband opened his mouth, cried on international TV, and our life went crazy pants:

1. You really NEVER know what is coming next in life. Good or bad. Control is an illusion.  
2. Pack a basic black dress you can wear twice OR pack a second dress. (See number 1.) You just never know what is coming next. Like, that time we were asked to meet the President the very next day and I only had packed one dress- that I was already wearing that night. On T.V.
3. Be present on the journey. Whatever you are experiencing will likely end soon, so hold on tight and enjoy the ride. (Or throw your arms in the air and scream like hell.) Maybe take notes and take pictures. But be sure to FEEL the wind in your hair and your stomach dropping on the downhill. It's a challenge to be present- I'm a work in progress on this one. But I'm committed to the practice and I've gotten somewhat better through the years.
4. Don't read the comments. (I did not do well with this one, I admit.) It amazes me how people watch the same video yet receive messages that are polar opposites. It's a bit scary, actually. But as Brené Brown says, the bystanders' opinions don't matter. The only opinions that matter are the ones in the arena. Frankly, I think when people automatically assume the worst of someone, it reflects more on the judger than the judgee. (I'm pretty sure I made those words up. And I'm going to keep them in here anyway.)
5. Don't be afraid to DARE GREATLY. Brian and I read Brené Brown's book, Daring Greatly as our own little book club. Brian feels it was life-changing. (And therefore it's life-changing for me too, as my life changed/changes when his does.) Brian only moved people at that press conference because he was courageous enough to be vulnerable. He showed emotion and people FELT that. Vulnerability leads to connection. (If only he had shown emotion the first 14 years we were together...but hey, that leads me to the next point.)
6. Live for the now and believe in the future. Breathe, believe, receive. GREAT things are coming your way. (And excuse me now- I'm going to get a bit spiritual and use the G word) God's plans for you are SO MUCH BIGGER than you can possibly imagine. He will use your pain for good. He will take a man who hadn't cried for 35 years, break him open, and then have him cry on international TV. He took a man who very rarely spoke about race with anyone, who was incredibly private, who turned down press interviews in the past and gave him the courage to Be the Change. I'm telling you- if a year-and-a-half ago you would have told me my husband was going to cry (just cry!) I would have laughed IN YOUR FACE. I used to tell him that I could die and he still probably wouldn't cry.   

Here are a few links from some of my favorite interviews from that time:

Dallas Trauma Surgeon Reflects on Irony of Treating Wounded Police Officers
With Ari Shapiro on NPR All Things Considered, July 15, 2016  (5 min 40 sec)

A History of White Delusion
Nicolas Kristof, The New York Times, July 14, 2016

Parkland Doctor's Candid Words Resonated with Black Professionals
Maria Halkias, The Dallas Morning News, July 15th, 2016

Surgeon Who Tried to Save Dallas Cops
BBC World Service, August 4, 2016 (50 min.)

A Woman to Admire: Kristen Roedner

Dear Reader, I'm so excited for you to meet Kristen Roedner. Can't you just feel the sunshine she radiates from her being?

Kristen is one of the most LIVE OUT LOUD women I know. We met in Boston, circa 2002ish, through our sorority alumnae group. Delta Delta Delta, y'all!

Kristen hosts "Spread Sparkle" meetings at her home. It kills me that I live too far away to attend. She's been on me to start my own chapter.  I'll keep you posted if I do.

As I mentioned in a previous post, she drives a freakin' pink flying pig.

And there's a rainbow painted on the hood. Of course.

For the past two years, Beni and I spent the last week of summer break with her and her incredible daughter, Rosa Jane. The notes Kristen taped around her house for RJ made my heart melt. And made me excited to do the same once Beni can read.

Kristen's home is filled with art, art supplies, and inspiration.  I took the below photos last August. Two glittering reindeers and a flying pig Christmas tree are on display year round. Because they make her happy.

(Side note: I've never met anyone with more colored pencils than me. Her stash blew mine out of the water. I'm pretty sure I'd take her on ribbon and glitter though.)

But why all the pink flying pigs, you ask? She wrote an incredible blog post to explain her obsession. After you read it, you will know why I love her so much.

Kristen oozes sparkle and inspiration. And you want to know the craziest thing? She says I inspire her.

Glittering Thanks

A Very Happy Thanksgiving 2013

Here's how we give glitter thanks at our house.

Turkey Craft Number 1: Glam Gobbler

Clockwise from top left:
1. We found the inspiration for our turkey on a window at Beni's preschool.
2. I'm teaching her early- you can NEVER add too much sparkle.
3. Turkey in progress…

And here is our Glam Gobbler making his internet debut:

We were both so happy with how he turned out. He's a keeper for sure.

Turkey Craft Number 2: Sending Gratitude

Clockwise from top left:
1. and 2. Making handprint turkeys with paint and glitter.
3. The finished product says: We are thankful for you.
4. Sending our love to Godparents, grandparents, and beloved aunts and uncles.

Celebrating Thanksgiving at Preschool

Clockwise from top left: 

1. Beni-Bird modeling her Native American headband.

2. The Williams family feather: what we are thankful for.

3. Side view of previously mentioned fashionable headdress.

4. A huge turkey of thanks at Beni's school (one feather contributed by each family.)

Thanksgiving Day Traditions

Clockwise from top left:

1. and 3. Watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

2. Our vegetarian meal.

4. One dessert for each of us. 

A Night of Thanks

Clockwise from top left:

1. Gratitude-themed books.

2. Sitting by the fire for story time.

3. My art journal entry for 11-28-2013.

4. I've been recording blessings in my gratitude journal since 2002.

And one more thing I'm so grateful for…..
 you, Dear Reader.

***

PS: Please forgive the funky formatting and the extra spaces. I swear, it doesn't look like this on my end. I spent over an hour trying to fix it and then decided to publish "as is" before I lose my good feelings of gratitude. What a relief it is to let go of "perfection"!

Oh My, Lucky Star!

Last March my spirited friend, Kristen Roedner (who's been rumored to poop rainbows), told me about a whole living art camp I just *had* to attend. Since I have the utmost confidence in her creative recommendations, I immediately signed up.

Now, fast forward to early this October when Kristen picked me up at the San Antonio airport in her pink flying pig. 

The two of us headed off on the backroads of the Texas Hill Country with the sun shining, top down, hats on, and me feeling like Thelma. Or Louise. Our destination: Lucky Start Art Camp. 

Lucky Star was a Texas-sized experience. I could write several blog posts about it, but since I've been a bit lax on the blogging lately, I'm going to cram it all into this one. I hope the magical essence of the experience shines through my words and photos. 

Look at this place! Lucky Star Art Camp was held at Waldemar, an all-girl's camp in continuous operation since 1926. 

I'm pretty sure my Waldemar cabin was built (and possibly decorated) in 1926. How I wish I had taken photos to show you! There was a kitschy Western cowboy mural on the wall over the fireplace. And kitschy Western cowboy comforters on the bunks. And kitschy Western cowboy curtains over the windows. I loved it all! Everyday as I stepped into my cowboy boots, this East Coast girl felt like a real Texan. (For the the first time, even though we moved to Dallas three years ago.)

While there were a variety of lodging options, I went for the full-camp experience and bunked with Kristen and four strangers, who I came to adore.  My cabinmates were an incredible mix of women: the famous novelist, the intuitive healer, the hilarious Jersey girl who once kissed Bradley Cooper, the super sweet and quiet Houston stay-at-home mama, Kristen, and me. Six of us in a small rustic cabin with one bathroom and four bunk beds. It could have been a disaster, but it was magic. We laughed, we cried, we stayed up late to talk. I felt like I was back in my sorority house. My cabinmates and the other women I met at camp were remarkable, creative, generous spirits who made my experience sparkle.

A wide array of classes were offered at camp: quilting, jewelry making, sewing, canning and preserving, cheese-making, photography, apothocary, intuitive healing, painting, creative writing, and more. It was hard to narrow down my choices, but I finally selected:

1. Happy Painting with Juliette Crane (held on the banks of the Guadalupe River!)

2. Dreambook by Shawn Stratmann, and 

3. How to Write a Children's Story by Katherine Center.

(BTW, I just finished her latest novel, The Lost Husband, and I highly recommend it.)

Besides our classes, we could hike and explore, paddleboard or canoe, swim, do yoga, or horseback riding. And the food! Fresh and local and healthy. But most of all, yummy.  We had incredible evening programs about slow family living, eating well for the planet, and dream setting. After evening program, we sat around the campfire and listened to Mandy Rowden sing and play her guitar. All that was missing was a round of kumbaya.

I really shouldn't complain about anything. Except that I'm a nature lover who would prefer to never see creepy crawlies. And two cabins down a tarantula was found outside. And scorpions frequent this part of Texas. And a frog got into our cabin one night. I am big-time bug phobic and would also prefer frogs stayed outside. Good thing I didn't see any of them, so I was still able to sleep. Braving the wild creatures of Texas was worth it, and I'm already signed up for Lucky Star next year.

***

And don't worry, Dear Reader, I know you want to hear more about my friend, Kristen, so a whole post on her is coming soon.)

10 Easy Steps to Regain Your Sparkle

I'm taking a brief break from the Women to Admire series, to bring you the following Public Sparkle Annoucement:

Several posts ago, I wrote about how the demands of motherhood dulled my sparkle as I put my self-care on the back seat. Since then, I've tackled the mama guilt head-on and I've been taking better care of myself. Operation Reclaim sPaRkLe is in full swing! And these suggestions can help you even if you don't have little energy suckers darling little children. So read on, my Sparkle Sisters, read on.

Here are ten quick and easy steps you can take to aid in your very own Operation Reclaim sPaRkLe.

1. Record the Happiest Moment of Your Day.
Keep a journal on your bedside table. Before turning out the lights, take 1-2 minutes to jot down your happiest moment of the day. You will end your day on a positive note and will soon have an incredible written record of what actually makes you happy. This can be an invaluable tool for future life planning!

2. Take a Bath.
It's good for the spirit and for an aching mama's body. Epsom salts, dead sea salts, and a few drops of essential oils can work magic.

3. Meditate While You Wait.
The next time you are waiting (in line, in traffic, or for someone) turn your attention to your breath. On your inhale say to yourself: receive. On your exhale, say: relaxation. Even a few breaths can make you feel more centered and relaxed.

4. Go For a Walk.
Take a walk outside. Exercise and nature are both powerful rejuvenators and sparkle generators.

5. Clear Clutter.
Clean out one drawer a day (or a week.) Too many things can be a drain on your energy. Let go of some clutter and clear up some space inside your home (and your head.) Sparkle space.

6. Send Some Love.
Write a postcard or a letter to someone you love, a "just because note." The sparkle you send out will come back to you. I promise.

7. Catch more ZZZ's.
Forget the laundry and the dishes and take a nap when your child naps. When my daughter refuses to nap, I have been known to lie on the floor and play "night night mama" while she puts a blanket on me over and over. If a nap isn't possible, go to bed earlier than usual. Sufficient sleep is critical for emotional and physical health.

8. Start with Intention.
Consider starting your day by setting an intention. (For example: Today I am going to focus my attention on how I spend my time. Throughout the day I will ask myself, is this activity adding to my sparkle or taking away from it?) A pack of affirmation cards or an inspirational quote book can be helpful starting points.

9. Add color.
Go buy yourself an adult coloring book and some new colored pencils. Yes, I'm serious. Creating is therapeutic and coloring is an act of meditation. I know I've said it before, but it's worth repeating.

10. Paint on Your Sparkle.
If all else fails, paint your toenails in pink sparkle polish. See if that doesn't make you smile. (I even painted my toddler's toes. Now she keeps asking for more "fockle polish." Hey, you have to teach them early about the importance of sparkling.) Everytime you see your fun toes, you will be reminded of the above nine steps and your own Operation Reclaim sPaRkLe goals.

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Dear Readers, Please Take Note:
The above post was originally posted here on the Voices from the Ville blog. I wrote it in response to my previous post there- Commit to Sparkle this Month- Saying No to Self-Neglect. I'm super honored to be writing on this national parenting blog. Several of you have asked me for mommy blog recommendations. Well, I highly recomend this one. After all, they had the good judgement to include me on their list of esteemed writers. (Smile, I'm joking. Sorta.)

PS: I know sorta isn't a "real" word.

Confessions from an Adoptive Mother

Thank you, Dear Readers, for the outpouring of support I received for my last post, Time to Confess. Your blog comments, Facebook comments, and emails reminded me that I have a "virtual village." I am honored you shared my words with your friends. I am grateful you took a moment out of your busy day to write a comment.

So, while I'm at it, I have some more confessions to share.

Once a month, I get angry at The Powers that Be. I'm working on letting go of my anger, because I know it only hurts myself. Anger is a stage in the grief process, and it's the emotion I feel every month when I am suffering from severe menstrual cramps.

Many years ago, when I was complaining to my sister, she comforted me by saying how cramps are the body's way of preparing the uterus for childbirth. So, for a few years there, her words provided a teeny bit of comfort. I felt like my pain had a purpose and one day, when I experienced the miracle of childbirth, it would all be worthwhile.

But I am not destined to be a biological mama. And each month for the past 25 years, I've been experiencing one to three days of severe cramps and/or associated PMS. It just makes me, well, a bit pissed off. Because, what is the point?!?!? Each month now, the physical pain triggers a deep, deep psychological pain. It is a reminder of what I will never experience. I will never carry a life in my womb. I will never feel a baby kick from the inside. I will never have a child with my legs or my husbands eyes. My genetic line (and I can trace my ancestry back at least four generations with photos) dies with me.

I'm still mourning the death of my dream. I sometimes wonder if I will ever stop mourning. The wound will heal, but will the scar remain or fade away?

Ironically, adoption was always a part of my parenting plan. I used to tell people that I just wanted to have one of my own first because I wanted to experience the miracle of pregnancy. I wanted to create life. I dreamed of witnessing my baby's first breath; of feeling overwhelmed with love when I held my seconds-old baby.

Adoption is a miracle. No less of a miracle than biological childbirth. I tell my daughter she is my miracle. Because of all the mamas and all the babies in the whole wide world, we found each other. I tell her mommy waited and waited and waited for her spirit to come to us and she was worth the wait. I tell her she is my wish come true and she made me a mama, something I always dreamed of. I'll tell her that for some reason, she didn't come through me, but she was always meant to be mine. A fellow adoptive mother once told me we adoptive mamas are the space holders. We are an open space for babies who need a home. Maybe this is the reason.

But I am dreading the day she realizes she did not come from us but instead grew in another woman's belly. We've never made her adoption a secret, it's just that now she's too young to understand what it all means. It pains me that she could feel a lifelong sense of loss because her birthmother chose to give her away. One adopted woman told me no matter how good she had it in her adopted family, she always felt a sense of loss because she was given away. I plan to tell my child she was always destined to be my daughter. We don't have a genetic connection, but we have a spiritual one. And that is the one that counts. That one is even thicker than blood.

Hours after she was born, her birthmother asked us to love her baby like she was our own. This now seems odd to me, because SHE IS OUR OWN. I can't imagine loving her anymore. I'm almost positive that could not even be possible. (Although, how would I know for sure? Sometimes I wonder, which is ridiculous, because why does it even matter?)

But here's another confession: it saddens me that I am not my child's ONLY mama. I know this is selfish. If a mother can love more than one child, I'm sure a child can love more than one mother. So I tell myself that she will experience more love. I should be happy about that. It's just that I have this fear that when she chooses to track down her biological family (if she does), that I'll be replaced. That she will want to spend holidays with them. It's not a huge fear, but it's still there.

Sometimes I forget she is adopted. But sometimes I'm painfully reminded. Once at Gymboree, a nanny asked me if she was my child. "Yes," I replied. "Are you sure?" she said, "She doesn't look anything like you." WTF!?! Of course, I started crying. People say the rudest things. Several people have asked me about her "real" mother. I now reply that I am her real mother. I'm the one who checks her in the middle of the night to make sure she is still breathing; the one that wipes her tears and kisses her boo-boos. I have been there for her since she was ten minutes old. (I wanted to be there sooner, but legally she wasn't ours then and it wasn't my decision. So I missed her entry into the world. When she took her first breath, I was feeling helpless from the waiting room. I heard a cry (hers?) and my arms longed to comfort her. "She needs me," I sobbed into my husband's arms. Although, to be honest with myself, it was me who needed her.)

So, maybe you can understand my feelings a little better now. My journey to motherhood was complicated. Just like all the other really great things in life, it was joy and sorrow, love and loss, pain and sheer bliss all rolled up in one. Because I am immensely grateful that my daughter is healthy, and beautiful, and exactly as she is. I honestly wouldn't change how she came to us. Because then she wouldn't be her. I am a better person because of my journey. I am for sure a better mother too. Infertilty and adoption were a challenge for our marriage, but my husband and I have grown closer as well.

I will never take being a mama for granted. I want to always remember how much I loved and longed for my baby before she even was conceived (in a state far away, in a different woman's body, just waiting to reunite with me, her own, real mama.)

It's just that, even while somewhere in me I knew otherwise, I was still kinda hoping maybe I would get pregnant too. Deep down I was hoping that my parenting plan was just reversed. I was hoping maybe the pregnancy would come after the adoption.

But that won't happen. Last month I decided to go back on The Pill. After almost five years off of it, I can't take the pain anymore. By choosing to take it, I am completely closing the door on my dream of a biological baby. While I'm pretty sure the door was closed already, my hope had kept it just a teeny bit ajar. I visualize that hope as a light seeping out from the edge of the door. But now, that light has gone out.