Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Highs and Lows of 2009
This year had a lot of ups and downs. In January, Obama was elected as President. I watched the historic inauguration with goosebumps while I wrote a letter to my future biracial child. She will never know a world where a black person wasn't President. We had been trying to conceive for 4 months by then and I believed 2009 would be the year she arrived.
In April, Nourish. Create. Bloom. came to life. It has been such a joy to write blog posts and read the comments from my readers. Thank you loyal followers! Your comments mean so much to me.
Later in April, I felt the most incredible joy when I got pregnant for the first time ever! I'd been waiting for this moment for years and it was finally here! It was especially wonderful because my sister, Marilee, got pregnant two weeks before me. I was so excited to share this life experience with her just like we had planned when we were little girls. We were certain she was having a boy and I was having a girl. That day, I went out and bought What to Expect When You're Expecting and a gift book for my sister and her husband. I also bought our child her first book ever; You Are My Wish Come True.
In May, my joy ended. After continued bleeding and uncertainty, my husband and I learned the baby was stuck in my fallopian tube. The pregnancy couldn't progress without killing me in the process. In the ER I received a shot that ended my first pregnancy. Sadness enveloped me. This blog became a way for me to voice my grief, find support, and contemplate hope.
The rest of 2009 was an off-and-on-again struggle. Tears came when I passed the baby section in Target. A few weeks ago, when in Borders, I had move to another section when a baby's cry prompted me to cry myself.
On December 16th, my sister had a beautiful and healthy baby boy. During my sister's pregnancy I struggled with separating her joy from my loss. The timing of our conceptions at first seemed perfect but turned out to be painful. I was afraid that when I first met her son, I would burst into tears. But when I held him, all I could think of was the miracle that he is. In that moment, holding that little chirping bundle of joy, my own sadness left me.
My due date was to be December 31st. But as it turns out, 2009 wasn't my year to become a mama. And despite some devastating news from the doctor today, I still have a little hope that 2010 is the year my wish will come true.