Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Highs and Lows of 2009

This year had a lot of ups and downs.  In January, Obama was elected as President.  I watched the historic inauguration with goosebumps while I wrote a letter to my future biracial child.  She will never know a world where a black person wasn't President.  We had been trying to conceive for 4 months by then and I believed 2009 would be the year she arrived.

In April, Nourish. Create. Bloom. came to life.  It has been such a joy to write blog posts and read the comments from my readers.  Thank you loyal followers!  Your comments mean so much to me.

Later in April, I felt the most incredible joy when I got pregnant for the first time ever!  I'd been waiting for this moment for years and it was finally here!  It was especially wonderful because my sister, Marilee, got pregnant two weeks before me.   I was so excited to share this life experience with her just like we had planned when we were little girls. We were certain she was having a boy and I was having a girl. That day, I went out and bought What to Expect When You're Expecting and a gift book for my sister and her husband.  I also bought our child her first book ever; You Are My Wish Come True.   

In May, my joy ended.  After continued bleeding and uncertainty, my husband and I learned the baby was stuck in my fallopian tube.  The pregnancy couldn't progress without killing me in the process.  In the ER I received a shot that ended my first pregnancy.  Sadness enveloped me.  This blog became a way for me to voice my grief, find support, and contemplate hope.  

The rest of 2009 was an off-and-on-again struggle.  Tears came when I passed the baby section in Target.  A few weeks ago, when in Borders, I had move to another section when a baby's cry prompted me to cry myself.  

On December 16th, my sister had a beautiful and healthy baby boy.  During my sister's pregnancy I struggled with separating her joy from my loss.  The timing of our conceptions at first seemed perfect but turned out to be painful.  I was afraid that when I first met her son, I would burst into tears.  But when I held him, all I could think of was the miracle that he is.  In that moment, holding that little chirping bundle of joy, my own sadness left me.

My due date was to be December 31st.  But as it turns out, 2009 wasn't my year to become a mama.  And despite some devastating news from the doctor today, I still have a little hope that 2010 is the year my wish will come true.  


  1. Kathianne, reading this has brought some tears to my eyes. You are such a wonderful woman; I pray that your dreams will be fulfilled in 2010! I firmly believe that you will be in the running for the "Best Mother Ever". Stay positive and keep the faith -here's the word- Believe>Believe>Believe>Believe>Believe!!!

  2. Hi, Kathianne...Thinking of you and wishing you a blessed 2010. Keep writing... ;)

  3. Anonymous9:07 AM CST

    Kathianne, I love you. I am here for you and just know that your hopes, prayers and wishes for 2010 are also shared by me.


  4. Maggi Wysocki1:08 PM CST

    Hang in there Kats! 2009 has certainly been a year of ups and downs in many ways! You are a truelly wonderful person and little miracles happen everyday in ways we cannot predict. I will pray and wish that you dream comes true this year.
    Despite what doctor's say, they aren't miracle workers like the man upstairs. I know many people who were told they couldn't conceive, but than they do.

    LOve you and stay positive, that has a lot to do with the healing process. I see it everyday at the hospital!

  5. Kathainne, I know how much you have struggled with this and I truly believe you are meant to be a mother. 2009 may not have been your year for motherhood, but it was the year of our friendship, and that makes it very special to me. Wishing you a blessed, joyous new year!