I’ve had a rough week. It started high last Thursday. After months of trying and years of dreaming, I was overjoyed at finding out I was pregnant for the first time. It ended low today, after the nurse midwife told me I most likely miscarried already but they won’t know for sure until next week when they can do an ultrasound. I asked, “Is there any hope that I am still pregnant? Any hope that the baby is okay?” She said, “I don’t want to give you hope. I can’t say you won’t have a miracle baby, but most likely, no.”
When I returned to our apartment complex I decided to take the elevator. I walk up the 4 flights of stairs 95% of the time, but I was so emotionally and physically drained, I didn’t have it in me. When the elevator doors opened, the first thing I saw through the glass wall was a bumper sticker on the car in front of me. Got hope? it read.
No, I thought. No hope. But that is not true. Even as I read it, I thought, “Is this a sign?” During this past week, I kept looking for signs from from the Universe that everything was going to be okay. When I had my blood drawn on Monday to see if hormones indicated the pregnancy was progressing, the kind woman hugged me and told me her daughter bled throughout her pregnancy and had a healthy boy. Today when I got my blood drawn again, I noticed the phlebotomist’s last name was Sellers. My maiden name. I can’t remember meeting someone (outside of my family) with that last name before. He also hugged me because of my tears.
I’ve had signs this week that all will be okay. Maybe there’s not too much hope left for this pregnancy, but hope is growing inside me for a future one. And even though I don’t want to admit it to myself, I am still holding out for a miracle.
Postscript: I know a lot of people don’t let others know they are pregnant right away because of the risk of miscarriage in the first trimester. I just couldn’t help myself, I was so excited. I respect other people’s decision to stay private, but looking back, I wouldn’t change a thing. This is me. I am an open book (much to my extremely private husband’s chagrin.) Life is ups and downs, tears and jumps of joy. I went through the whole roller coaster in the past 7 days. Through the drama, I got closer to those I shared this experience with. I want to thank them all (including the 2 hugging phlebotomists) for their support. I am grateful I am on the ride with such wonderful people.